My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
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