well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
