Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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