if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
Randomize
