Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
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