She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
