You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
