If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
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