So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
