when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
