I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
