Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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