Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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