i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
