I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
ugly people sure do ruin things
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
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