my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
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