dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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