im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Randomize
