I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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