it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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