he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
