my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
