i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Randomize
