Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
