What did we do last night that was yellow?
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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