Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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