Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
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