Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
