It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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