I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Randomize
