My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
