the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
