i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
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