I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
