You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
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