I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
