im about as happy as oj after his trial
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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