she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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