I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
even my farts smell like vagina
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
