Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
