I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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