She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
