Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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