halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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