Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Randomize
