I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
