There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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