Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
The air was thick with penises
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
