You're a womanizer and a bitch.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Randomize
