Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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