Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
