Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
