i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
