I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
